You Should Be Dancin’

August 4th, 2006 at 02:05pm Grey

Game: Stepmania 3.9
Genre: Rhythm/Dance
Platform: Windows (also available for Mac and Linux)
Available From: http://stepmania.com/
Trial Period: 4-Aug-06 to 1-Sep-06

When John first announced The Unbelievers I saw it as a challenge – I had to do something for this. After giving it some thought the genre for me to pick on became obvious – the wave of dance games that has become so popular in the last 5 years, and has pretty much dominated every arcade.

When DDR first came out I could never have envisaged it taking off well. I figured “hardcore” gamers would turn their nose up at it for not being real gaming (which in a way I suppose I did) whilst normal people would find it ludicrous (which I still do). Somehow though it caught on, and it is loved by many gamers worldwide. I still don’t know why. I first encountered the DDR craze when I was at uni in 2000 – there was a machine in our Students Union that I would often walk past on my way to play Punchmania (a punching arcade game based on the anime Fist of the North Star – my god that was fun). One time I saw a little Japanese guy on the thing, moving like a maniac. He was fast, he was fluid, he was dynamic, with perfect timing and unwavering concentration on the game. Some others were standing around watching him, but with a respectful distance – no one actually wanted to be associated with him. We were all in awe, this guy was amazing, but it was a sort of pathetic amazing that you can only get from being a sad freaky reject of society. It’s like the guy who can do the Rubik’s cube in 3 seconds. Sure it’s impressive, but will he ever get laid? I somehow doubt it. In fact that’s probably why he’s so good with his hands…

DDR and its kin have always seemed silly for me. It’s not real dancing – not like you do when you’re drunk in a club and you lose all sense of shame or embarrassment. That sort of “real” dancing I do on a regular basis, and when with close friends and heavily intoxicated it can be very fun. Dance as a “game” though strikes me as wrong, especially with the predefined movements that you would never use on a real dancefloor. But in the last few years I have encountered many people that I at least partially respect who actually enjoy this sort of thing.

More recently I was amazed to find that some people actually do this on their own at home. The PS games obviously can be good as a party game, especially for kids, but grown adults doing this sort of thing completely alone strikes me as very strange. I can’t help but picture in my head some fat geek, sweating away as he dances to some J-Pop song where young girls sing about how they want to be abused, probably humming the tune under his breath as he dreams of being in a real club surrounded by girls who adore him for his groovy, sexy dancemoves. “We ruv you, Tony-san!” he imagines them chanting in unison as he rubs his saggy man-breasts, picturing them pressing their bodies against him.

So, it’s with this enticing image in my head that I decide to try it out myself. I hate these games. The idea seems sad and abhorrent, and the music they tend to use is simply pain to the ears. But I will give it a fair chance, and considering how amazing I always consider myself to be when drunk and partying I will be disappointed if I can’t master this. I somehow think alcohol won’t help me score well though, even if it does improve my overall enjoyment…

I’ll be using StepMania 3.9 for the PC, with a Playstation dance mat I found for £5 (I already have a PSX-USB controller converter). Stepmania lets me load up a multitude of songs that have been put together by fans, including some classical ones I happened to find. This helps me avoid the sort of crap they normally have in the dance machines (though I will be trying out some of this music too). The pad I bought seems to have very good grip, though it bloody stinks. At some point further on I’ll try to get some hands-on experience with the real dance machines to see what they have to offer.

I’m also going to be looking into the idea that these things count as real exercise (which I see as bullshit designed to help it sell to image-conscious chubby nerds). According to a web-site dancing games help you burn off 60 calories in 10 minutes. So, uh, ten minutes solid exercise lets me eat an extra what? Hmm, 11.3 grams of chocolate. So that’s just under two of those little Celebrations sweets. Alternatively 9.6 grams of peanuts – almost a fifth of a small packet! Like, wow – all that from dancing solidly to several songs? I’d better be careful playing this game, I could look like Ghandi by the end of the month! Okay, I know it’s not meant to be too serious an exercise, but that’s just comparable to the calories I burn from sitting on my arse doing nothing. Still, I shall be monitoring my health week by week when doing this challenge, and if there is any benefit I shall be pleasantly surprised.

Installing the game and downloading the tunes has all been very easy. The small variety of music is somewhat disappointing, though there are a number of pleasing gems I’ve found. Hopefully there’ll be more to find in future. I’m off to set this up now, hoping it all works properly and this smelly pad is up to the job. So stay tuned for an update as I get my first feet-on experience of the joy that is dance games.

Entry Filed under: StepMania